Here's a sampling of the first few pages which I thought were sheer "genious," yes, I know it's spelled wrong. They may or may not be making it into book 3 or 4 after rigorous editing.
Sasha Findlay was a very deliberate man. He liked order and reason in his life and he fought many battles both emotional and physical to maintain control over every aspect of the world as he knew it. He had no room in his environment for chaos. Distracted by the endless amount of dirty money that was in need of swift laundering, Sasha armed himself with Tarnex and Mr. Metal every Saturday morning for the weekly battle against microbes. He had expressed his concern to Inertia that she only use their check card when she made transactions but that didn’t stop her from needing coins for the parking meter and several Mom and Pop businesses that ran on a cash in cash out basis. Because Sasha was greatly in love with his wife he allowed the money into the house. However, it did not stop him from complaining.
Sasha put on his chemical gloves, poured a clear glass bowl full of Tarnex and dropped the pennies in one at a time when Inertia burst into the house. He was starting with the smaller currency first and working his way up to the nickels and dimes. He used an old T-shirt as a rag to clean the nickels dimes and quarters with Mr. Metal.
“I don’t have time for this now Inertia. Can’t you see that I am cleaning the money? I have to finish by Noon so that when I take a shower I will have time for my hair and beard to dry before I wash the dog. I don’t know how I am going to get everything finished with that shedding and slobbering thing around. I mean he licks his private parts, Inertia. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, if he is going to live in this house he needs to be washed in the morning and night or else he has to be kept outside.” Sasha was slightly annoyed by their hundred pound Labrador retriever. Sasha was a devout animal lover but felt that they had no place in his controlled environment, particularly dogs. Inertia couldn’t resist the sorrowful eyes and affection starved dog she had found off of the highway abandoned by its owners.
“Sasha, you don’t understand. I was just in the Curiosity shop down the road looking around. Uh, you won’t believe the stuff they have in there. Moose heads, stuffed squirrels, pictures I guess of the owner holding up his kill. It was a little deer with its spots still on, totally awful. I can’t believe this is the kind of place we moved to.” Inertia watched Sasha wash his chemical gloves as he reluctantly stopped his obsessive cleaning while he became mildly interested in what Inertia was so excited about.
“I felt really guilty for being in there, Sasha. It was like I could feel that I was loosing Karma points or something. Anyway, I kept looking around there were animal bones and rabbit carcasses that were packaged for bait. Bait for what? What is that all about? And where was everyone? I started to leave and got a sense that someone was watching me so I froze. Then I felt so sick. Sick in my stomach like I needed to throw up and my heart started to palpitate and then I felt so hot a tired. I took off my coat and the next thing I knew a scary skinny old woman was staring at me asking me what size bra I was wearing. I was totally naked and she was trying to help me put my clothes back on. She said that she wished her breasts could still be as perky as mine and She hoped that I didn’t mind but she had felt them while I was asleep.”
“Inertia, Inertia, INERTIA!!!” Sasha was in mild hysterics as he heard what she had just been through. “We’ve got to get you to the hospital and have you checked out. Are you in any pain? Maybe you should take off your clothes and let me check you for marks.” Sasha led Inertia into their bedroom. He drew the blinds and went into the other room.
“What’s all the banging Sasha? What are you doing?” Asked Inertia.
“I’m getting the digital camera we should be keeping daily body logs and we should be keeping journals.” Sasha and Inertia both worried obsessively about their health. If they developed new freckles, or pimples, they were convinced that they were dying. Sasha often mentioned keeping daily body logs but Inertia was not into the idea. “There’s not going to be time to wipe the lens off properly so I’ll just have to use it the way it is.” Yelled Sasha as he came into the room.
Inertia scoffed and told Sasha that she didn’t think anything was wrong. She vaguely remembered taking off her coat and maybe she had just started to undress because she was so hot. “I really think that I’m fine, Sasha.”
“You can’t be fine, Inertia. You passed out. People don’t just pass out in curiosity shops and end up naked with an old woman fondling their breasts!” Sasha was sweating and as he tried to put the camera to his face the lens was fogging up. “I have to go get the fan to cool off before we take your pictures.”
“It’s freezing cold in here and I’m naked” she complained and moaned.
“It’ll only be a minute. Uh, sweaty…” Sasha wiped his brow with the bottom of his T-shirt then he pulled it off his wet skin right side out folded it then placed it in the hamper. He put the fan in front of their bed a sat on the bed and let the fan blow on his face. “Will you get me something to drink?” he asked Inertia.
“How am I supposed to walk down the stairs go into the kitchen, and then walk all of the way backup here without breaking a sweat?” he asked.
“You can cool off in front of the open refrigerator door while you get your drink.”
As she curled up under the covers shivering, she struggled to remember anything else about the moment before she passed out. The smell. What was that smell. It was as if the smell was stuck in her nostrils but she was unable to identify it. She remembered smelling this burnt smell before. What was the burnt smell? As she thought about it she looked over at a picture on her nightstand. Sasha had framed a picture of Inertia beside a gingerbread house made to resemble the house they lived in the first year they were married. She remembered, the smell was burning sugar!
She lined up the chocolate sprinkles, the red sparkles and the red-hots on the stove. She turned her attention to the royal icing that she was trying to keep creamy and room temperature. She squeezed out a dollop of icing on the gingerbread house and then she turned around to the stove to get some red sprinkles. The bottom of the plastic container stuck to the stove and all of the sugary red sparkles were instantly melting on the stove. The burner, where the soup had been heated, hadn’t had a chance to cool. Inertia was faced with one of the biggest kitchen messes she had made since trying to heat a cup of hot cocoa directly on the burner, but that was when she was 13.
Sasha was going to be angry with her for the destruction she had done to their brand new range. He was supposed to be home any minute. She discovered that the mess would be easier to remove if she turned the burner on just enough to melt the sugar and plastic mixture. She turned the stove knob to 2 and walked to the pantry for something to eat.
“What is your address, sir?” repeated the dispatcher.
“What is the nature of the disturbance?”
“What kind of drugs do you see?”
“I don’t see any drugs.”
“Then how do you know there is a drug disturbance?”
“Do you really think that is necessary, sir?”
“Absolutely.” Then he hung up and waited to hear the sirens from the fleet of police vehicles he was anticipating.
He drove by the gas station and looked at the fuel gauge on his car and decided that he should fill up his tank. He hated leaving for work in the mornings and not having enough gas to get there. He was not a morning person, so whatever he could do to make the mornings easier he would. He wanted to get home as fast as possible to Inertia, but he didn’t want anything distracting his time from her.
"Inertia, Was there a fire here today?” He asked. Counting to ten silently in his head as not to disturb Inertia’s flighty temperament.
“No. The stove malfunctioned while I was eating some potato chips.” She quipped.
“What is on the stove?” he asked.
“That white stuff? That wasn’t there when I was in the yard.” She was getting a little defensive.